eyesore

Sometimes i stare at the sky and appreciate the way how plain and even the color blue is distributed. The vastness of this color eliminates the soreness of my eyes... it calms my inner spirit, and it clears my mind. Sometimes I wish that life would be this simple..
whenever I look down, I see people,vehicles,buildings, and a lot more complications in a wide variety of colors. I live in a kaleidoscope where not every color is good to the eye. It makes me more motivated to put forth effort in hyperextending my neck just to take a break and limit my eyesore...

for sure.

there are certain reasons that my hypothalamus makes even without the understanding of my consciousness. I dunno but sometimes I want to set all the feelings free, and take time to renew the good feelings that I have taken for granted the whole, long time.. But, as I make these transformatory decisions, there would still be this unexplainable minute that would sneak right between my momentary bliss renewal, and grab it all without notifications... It just goes *poof* bliss gone,old feeling came again. I don't get it, I hate feeling the old feeling but when that freaking minute comes, I indulge myself into deep thinking, I indulge in a way that I have made it into a habit. Deep thinking, memory recall, pretending to be in the real situation, and rolling 10 times back and forth in bed with my cellphone held up high and locked to the particular message in my inbox, reading it 40 times. grrr its maddening!
It alarms me for the fact that its not me anymore. It seems like I'm the one who's running up and applying for slavery to the sort of unsure feeling.. it seems like I am the only one who is playing with myself. I'm the only one who has the feeling and I keep on inserting it to someone who has none for me..Yes it hurts but the fact that its going to be sad if I don't get over, then I must endure the pain so as like getting a knife cut, if no pain relievers are taken or nothing is put to ease the pain, its gonna be a long time for it to heal... Y'know, I don't care if i gain a scar..as long as its not painful to touch anymore..
well, I hope this agony heals off with time... thus I must do something about it...
I won't be the one running anymore..

but i'll still wait...

patiently.

12

i'm sorry...

i fell asleep while waiting for you.

Tried my very best to keep awake but my faith was fading so i surrendered battling with the God of Sleep.

I was mad of the fact that you came up very late in the evening but then I realized that you were the midnight man.

The man who I would go with amidst the rules on late evening night outs, amidst the red-eyed dangers that creep in the darkness of 12 'o clock,

as long as you'd promise to take me somewhere.

Somewhere,where time is always struck on midnight,

where i could see another dimension of the world that I haven't been to.

...If you only knew..If you would only tell me, I'd wait for you to take my hand

even until dawn breaks...

shoutout

you make me wanna shout! weehee! =)

st. dom ward is a killer. huhu. kapoy kaau.=
makes me want to shift..

one point for late lovebugs!

for these past few months, there has been a total change that happened in my life. It was crazy, it was new, and it was maddening indeed. I have been experiencing "can't-get-you-off-my-mind" phrases,"this-is-it"notions, and "what-could-this-text-message-mean?" questions. Really now, ask my bestfriend, she knows everything. There has been a change in me since I met that person, whom I knew once, but confirmed to be not. I mean, I was becoming moody. In a minute, I was happy, in another minute, a painter would find it hard to finish a portrait of me. All the while, I thought my world is going to revolve around this childhood feeling. There was nothing in my mind which weighs more than the thought of him. It was confusing, and ridiculous. I would stack my head with a pile of pillows and shout to the top of my lungs, so that no one would be alarmed, so that no one would ask me what the problem is, so that I would'nt have to tell the whole story, because it wasn't so me if I would do that, plus I hate discussing things like that especially with my parents or relatives. I mean, my tongue would also twirl in weird directions, my mouth would outrun my thoughts, and then I end up blabbing, and I hate advices, I hate recieving mushy advices, but deep down I know I was needing to recieve some. Anyway, it was hard, especially now that I was in a late age experiencing this "lovebug". I even experienced losing my scholarship in school just because on of my subject grade did not make it to the standards. One point was all I need, and I spent that one point on this dorky, pooky, mushy, dispecable "feeling"!. See how stupid I got? It was also one point in my life that i looked at the world differently, I mean, I could not see any people but I was looking for his shadows, anywhere I go, i always have that hope in me to sort of "accidentally, coincidentally" meet him, and imagine that the world would slow down before us. What more could a drama movie ask of me? Very well. it was like that. I could not anymore enjoy myself in strolling around the malls or anywhere with my relatives, my friends, and my family. I would enjoy myself and at the same time despair myself on looking forward to see his guitar-carrying facade. how great of me.

Yesterday, I had the chance of meeting and strolling with my high school girl friends, and I realized that I can manage to set aside the thinking, and just enjoy myself out. I mean, I saw how my friends were happy with what they have as of now, they were happy by just being with their friends, they were always wearing with them their smiles, and with their jolly beings enjoying our time of bond to the fullest were sooo infectious, that I was relieved, for I realized that I can manage to get him off my mind, and that I have managed to realize that I don't need any of his shadows just to enjoy myself whenever I go out. I realized that I needed real people, not shadows, real friends, tangible, reachable, and huggable to laugh out everything I feel inside. I realized that text messages could equal a thousand meanings, but they couldn't equal a thousand feelings.

So, it's gonna be a new year in a matter of days. but I wanna thank him though, he was the SOURCE of all these felt emotions, and new experiences. I just have this new year's resolution of mine, which I hope would be very effective as I live my life throughout 2009, up to the day I would be catching my last breath. Relish every experience and new feelings I will encounter. Don't fall for text messages, don't despair myself, find time to hang out with friends, and spend my one point wisely. =)

madness

NOVEMBER 30, 2008

SHIT! i saw and hung out with the source.

MADNESS!!!!!!!