one point for late lovebugs!

for these past few months, there has been a total change that happened in my life. It was crazy, it was new, and it was maddening indeed. I have been experiencing "can't-get-you-off-my-mind" phrases,"this-is-it"notions, and "what-could-this-text-message-mean?" questions. Really now, ask my bestfriend, she knows everything. There has been a change in me since I met that person, whom I knew once, but confirmed to be not. I mean, I was becoming moody. In a minute, I was happy, in another minute, a painter would find it hard to finish a portrait of me. All the while, I thought my world is going to revolve around this childhood feeling. There was nothing in my mind which weighs more than the thought of him. It was confusing, and ridiculous. I would stack my head with a pile of pillows and shout to the top of my lungs, so that no one would be alarmed, so that no one would ask me what the problem is, so that I would'nt have to tell the whole story, because it wasn't so me if I would do that, plus I hate discussing things like that especially with my parents or relatives. I mean, my tongue would also twirl in weird directions, my mouth would outrun my thoughts, and then I end up blabbing, and I hate advices, I hate recieving mushy advices, but deep down I know I was needing to recieve some. Anyway, it was hard, especially now that I was in a late age experiencing this "lovebug". I even experienced losing my scholarship in school just because on of my subject grade did not make it to the standards. One point was all I need, and I spent that one point on this dorky, pooky, mushy, dispecable "feeling"!. See how stupid I got? It was also one point in my life that i looked at the world differently, I mean, I could not see any people but I was looking for his shadows, anywhere I go, i always have that hope in me to sort of "accidentally, coincidentally" meet him, and imagine that the world would slow down before us. What more could a drama movie ask of me? Very well. it was like that. I could not anymore enjoy myself in strolling around the malls or anywhere with my relatives, my friends, and my family. I would enjoy myself and at the same time despair myself on looking forward to see his guitar-carrying facade. how great of me.

Yesterday, I had the chance of meeting and strolling with my high school girl friends, and I realized that I can manage to set aside the thinking, and just enjoy myself out. I mean, I saw how my friends were happy with what they have as of now, they were happy by just being with their friends, they were always wearing with them their smiles, and with their jolly beings enjoying our time of bond to the fullest were sooo infectious, that I was relieved, for I realized that I can manage to get him off my mind, and that I have managed to realize that I don't need any of his shadows just to enjoy myself whenever I go out. I realized that I needed real people, not shadows, real friends, tangible, reachable, and huggable to laugh out everything I feel inside. I realized that text messages could equal a thousand meanings, but they couldn't equal a thousand feelings.

So, it's gonna be a new year in a matter of days. but I wanna thank him though, he was the SOURCE of all these felt emotions, and new experiences. I just have this new year's resolution of mine, which I hope would be very effective as I live my life throughout 2009, up to the day I would be catching my last breath. Relish every experience and new feelings I will encounter. Don't fall for text messages, don't despair myself, find time to hang out with friends, and spend my one point wisely. =)

madness

NOVEMBER 30, 2008

SHIT! i saw and hung out with the source.

MADNESS!!!!!!!

THE LAST DAY OF BEING ILLEGAL.
TOMORROW IM GONNA BE A NEW ONE!
hehe..

last thought

i'll be doing my very best to be free... and be happy.
that's gonna be the last of you.
thank you for letting me experience a different kind of feeling. I found out it does no good to me.
It's always going to be an AB negative... and blood types won't change,right?...
take care.

='

=|

AB negative nga.. pero ang daya!

blood type: AB NEGATIVE. =(

so i'm gonna take the last try. I'm gonna go out and hope to see the source of all these endless wonders, and dreams. I hope to see the source of this enigma that's been running into my sub-consciousness, the reason why all the good times had to end. I may be doing this mistake over and over again but believe me, i just couldn't stop. My mind is killing me. My feelings are making it worse.
The source had its mistake too. His mistake was worst than mine. Words for me are precious however they are delivered. I could not last a day without thinking what one has relayed to me. And with that source's word...I mean, words, I could not last a minute without thinking of it over and over again. The source's simplest words could move a mountain. And that's why I hate myself for this habit.
If you only knew how bitter I look while my thoughts are killing me. If you only knew how I changed for everyone, how I turned my smile into an unexplainable frown,which I don't like but I can't help.
I'll be outside today, near the place where you relayed the message to me at 10:09 on that fateful night, which changed it all.
If I will not see the source, then I'll be sad, but I'll be doing my best to get back, and wait again for another century or so 'till i have the hint that it'll come back. But, it's ok. I'll be alright (i hope).

I'm hoping to see you then.

blue MooD

sigh... NO adventure in stored for me this sem break.. and it SUCKS! Imagine me, being stuck in the house, with ALL the household chores listed for me, and all I could do for fun is watch TV, or face the computer, and Mind you there's still no fun at all. The tV's not cabled, the net takes 48 years to get a certain command, and I'm all alone staring at the same roof of nothingness. URGH! with this lifestyle I'll surely get FAAAT!!

sheeesh... where's my bungee jumping dreams?? the zipline adventure, the mindanao tour?? the white water rafting?? the mt. apo plans?? IF you only know how my heart gets excited whenever adventure plans are made, wether unsure or not..

I want to do something before I go for the next deathrow semester... If you just know how I feel. =(

speaking of ironies..

@#$%^&!!!!!! @#$%^&!!!!!!

I did it again!!!

And everytime i do the same mistakes, I feel totally angry of myself yet I feel so free, Like I'm on fire... Like I'm untouchable! The guilt so much pains me but in one way or another, there's so much joy inside that I wanted to burst out giggling at the thought of what I just did.

Maybe this is what they call the irony of happiness. I mean, you are happy, but the cause of this "happiness" was your mistake. I mean, you knew it was a mistake but you're happy still.

Also maybe this is what the irony of moving on is all about. I mean, you try to put that mistake in your past and forget about it but, still in the future, you bring it with you... and you're still happy... much happy when you brought it with you.

I don't understand... but up to now, my stomach is still tied into knots, and butterflies seem to dominate inside until I burst. Oh God. I hope I burst sooner than I'd commit this mistake of happiness again!

BREATHE

I just wanna share a beautiful song byAnna Nalick entitled "Breathe". I love the lyrics and I just can relate to it. This song never gets old to me.

ENJOY!

=======( ^ _______^ )=======

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,can you help me unravel my latest mistake,I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyesLike they have any right at all to critisize,hypocrites,

you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass,

glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button girl,

So cradle your head in you hands

And breathe, just breathe,Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,

But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button boys,

So cradle your head in your hands,And breathe, just breathe,Woah breathe, just breahte

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout

But you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, its no longerinside of me,

threatening the life they belong to

And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.and breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe,oh breathe, just breathe.

rivers, waves, fishes, and a roll of film

I looked back at high-school and there were those memories playing silently again into my head. The roll of film scatters along the floor, where I could see clearly the exact happenings of my unforsaken high school expriences. It was the journey that I had missed so much. It was the journey that made me dream to turn back time. I still could not forget those zany faces of my brothers and sisters in class while doing their very best to flow with the impulsive waves of life and to catch as much fish as they can while riding in the waves. It was hard but I bet it would be harder when no fun was included. Well, there was fun in all angles of it and that's why we have survived...

I got our yearbook today and I felt Nostalgia crawl beneath my spine, that sought my nasolacrimals to void unseen but felt tears. As much as I wanted to cry but, I realized I could anymore do nothing but reminisce. I mean my effort for tears would bring me to nowhere, so I have to save some for the future learnings and memories that I will be having. I mean, I have cried enough for high-school memories. Sighing would be enough as of now.

I've also been reading the letters that some of my classmates and teachers gave during that year, and I've captured some captions that would help me enlighten my mind a bit and turn to the different side of the road and pursue what I want to do. Reading those letters would really bring something out of me, which I feel would make me want to stop, hold my horses, signal me on being way ahead of the line, and bring me back to a good point where I could start to run again in the right direction. I mean, Transcending isn't bad, in fact it's always recommendable, but somehow, at one point, it could cause too much pain that you can't get back with the right flow of the waves, so you would need a very good tool for diversion, and letters are effective, I tell you.

Pictures are really my downfall... When I scan any of the pictures relating to those days of wackiness, I can't help but be part of the discriminated society of "emo" with an S. Yes, i admit.=p I can't help but, think, laugh, cry,pull my hair down into a sideway bangs, pull up a black skinny pants, wear black, paint my nails black, pierce my eyebrow, write "i'm bleeding" statements, self mutilate, and...and... hahaha. just kidding! NO erase it all..I was joking. Anyway, I can't help but be in some kind of emo mode, but not THAT kind of being emo, but just the kind wherein its only temporary, like you could just do it for one night and tomorrow, you're still you, but you have that lessons in you which you got from your reminscing. It's weird, but I understand emos, yet I don't want to be a part of them. I mean, all people are emos, in fact, thinking about life is healthy, they're just too scared for thorough readressing of being a discriminated emo, that's why they refuse to stare at the nothingness and think for just a while. Anyway, pictures are really best in bringing out the EMO in people, including me.

But, as they say, and as they would most redundantly say... Life goes on.

This statement is a
very placid riverbank, but I still could not catch tons of fishes from it as
of
now

But then at least, I'm having fun. =)

SUNNY THOUGHTS

But then again, it made me jump off my seat. Those vast crumpling thoughts of life abruptly approaching one after another. I could not hear my thoughts but I could understand what they're supposed to instruct me. I dont get it but it seems like fresh water flowing form the high mountains down to a river that leads anywhere and distributes itself on the unknown horizons of the plain, and marks its way until you could not see it anymore because you have been blinded by the excrucuiating rays of the sun, which seems to have more of its glow when set than risen.

I mean, there has to be something I MUST discover. Something of the unknown reaches out to me through my thoughts and calls me to be somewhere, where I can actualize my transcendental spirit in accordance to my principles about goals and Life. It's soo out of my league but I feel its still within my scope.

Oh you poor thing! A sun setting with more glow than it was risen isn't normal. Have you ever thought of seeing it glow more while it was still risen?

@#$%%^!!!!!

i wanna go ooouuut!!!!
i'm not in the mood
i feel so terrible..

@#$%!!!!!
&^%$#@@!!!!!!

what did she say?

first RD (return Demonstration) today! And... i was soo happy coz my C.I said I did it very well.. although I had some little lapses of not opening the soapdish before the procedure and of not wetting the soap for a better formation of the lather, I was still in my widest smile when I came back to the room. I was contented.I was happy...

p.s.
with this new experience, I've come to realize that there are really ways that could lead you to loving something. Like, now, with this experience, I've come to start loving nursing.. =)

oh really?... YES. =P

What Tiffany Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

summer 2008. signing off

Sigh... summer's almost over... and i still don't want it to be over.

I want to spend some more time with myself, and with my family and friends

I still want to get out of the busy city life

I want to feel the sand playing with my toes

I want to smell the salty breeze of the ocean, feel the waves trying to pull me from the shore.

I wanna go to that unfamiliar place i've ben dreaming, where there's still plenty of tomorrows.

damn, i hate summer hangovers...

for keepsakes

June 5, 2008 was a day of fun and nostalgia...

My high school buddies and I have at last gathered to watch a movie and to have dinner, and as usual, the late comers since high school were still the same, but with a reasonable excuse this time though. But, the fact that we waaaaiiiittteeedd for a loooonnngg time was also a very reasonable excuse to get ultimately hungry, which led to severe laughing while reminiscing the good 'ol days, strolling around the mall like crazy, involving into the toughest decisions in the world( kfc ba gyud o fudcourt nalang? hulaton pa c joy o dili?), and just severe laughing. Yes, we couldn't care less about what the world thinks of us while we were together. Majority of our topics were about the past. About the time when vitto had this unwanted dumping incident in school and how all had reacted, the time when mikko wrote a big "OPAW" on the grounds fronting sir henry's computer lab, the time when I got totally mad on my birthday that i walked out 'cause they made fun of the movie i chose, which later they called "lootey noons", where in fact it was suposed to be "looney toons", and just all the bloopers we had while we were back in high school...

how quickly time goes eh? yea.. i'm getting nostalgic, but actually i'm flashing a big wide smile while typing this entry. Before we were just kids, learning the basics, and now we have grown. But, on that day, we didn't care if we were grown ups, we didn't care about our poise, about our current lives... all we cared was to look out for each other, to have a good time, and to keep in our hypothalamuses and brains, and heart that the bond we had will forever be living.

i love you all my G8 family and high school friends! sana maulit yun!! tan-aw ta sine usab! haha.

a-scuba we have gone.tralala

heyeyeyey!

how do i start it??..

it was the day after the final exams of summer classes when we, my family, along wd papa's officemates, just.. well..we just went scuba diving and all.. yea typically just that. nothing much...

Sheesh! i sound like crap!. well, anyhow... I just wanna share and tell that...it was THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!! no more no less! the heart-melting sound of each letter that comprises the spelling of S-C-U-B-A-D-I-V-I-N-G was way more than heart-melting when experienced. Seeing the beauty underwater can totally vanish any stress that agonizes you, i swear, but it does much more when you actually touch the corals and play with some friendly little fishes like the clownfish, and the white crab, which I termed as "calypso's crab", for it was a superstar! yup that crab was a superstar, he was part of the casts in one of the famous movies in the grammy awards, "The Pirates of he Caribbean at world's end". Yipieo, it was that white crab. and i actually have touched it myself, with the help of my dive master, Ms. Jenny.

Ms. Jenny was really a tough woman. I can sense it, and that's what makes her sooooo cool for me. She's into sports but still she has this feminine side.Yea, reaaally cool.

Anyhow,There was one exprience there which I totally was frustrated but at the same time happy. Happy because I contributed, and frustrated because there was an unknown man of i don't know what era, who threw an empty can of sardines in the sea. It was a pity for the fishes down under, and that single empty can ruined all that was beautiful under the sea... But then i managed to force my dive master to lower me down, for me to get that unpleasant-looking cylinder trap, and by that experience, it makes me want to take a scuba diving course so that I can arrest more of those trash and at the same time free myself from stress anytime, without the help of a dive master. I want to take part in those underwater cleaning activities and enjoy myself as long as i can.

Well, tha's about it. h trip was te best. We all went home with this psychologial thought that we were still floating! But, as simple as it is said, we Enjoyed!( ^____________^) \/

meeee????

i'd like someone who would scream me a love song...

try listnening to click5's "empty" or Jon Mclaughlin's "so close" or Switchfoot's "dare you to move" or MArie Digby's "beauty in walking away" or or or Jason Mraz's "you and I both"...

some of my LSSs... haha

a friendly reminder

As of now, we are virtual people.

We live with technology.

That sometimes, we are overpowered.

I hope we learn to balance the seemingly overpowering virtual reality.

There's much more than machines..

Even an iron man dies.

Even the transformers need lubrication.

HOw much more a highly susceptible living planet?

An ordinary man?

a growing kid?

an infant?

So, spare at least a sample of a fresh leaf...

or at least a live sample of a healthy tree..

not only you is given a chance to live here...

** help preseve nature... don't be selfish**

that unfamiliar place1

I can see myself running lost in an unfamiliar place, Strands of my hair, marginally covering both side-ends of my forehead and cheeks. I can feel my breath getting warmer as I pant and catch for air. My legs, they are sore. The silky feeling of my dress hugs around tightly around my body, and as I ran I can feel the wind, billowing the silk that its ends gently tickle both sides of my popliteal points. I managed to eventually slow down…and down... Until arching my back while panting was all I could manage to do.

The strong gush of wind vanished too. It was like it was running away with me, and stopped. The scratchy strands of long hair stayed back. My legs were numb as if I can’t feel its presence. As if I was floating. Next thing I know, I was in a world of chaos but everything seemed perfect. Streets were crammed with people, of men, women, and children. There was no sign of fuel-powered mediums. Everything was unending. They all seemed like there’s always tomorrow, that there’s always that strong power of gravity that could pull them up from the depths of death, that there is yet a lot of time to loose. Yet, I don’t’ understand. In the world I’ve known, everything must not be lost. A single gap of a second could mean money, life…power. Every grain of rice must be of importance like that of gold. Days must be pursued with satisfaction, and wishes must be granted as soon as possible. In the world I’ve known, everyday is the last day…

(to be continued...)

just another teenage pressure..

do you have any idea how bored i am today? right now? this very moment?..

i don't think so..

The lazy afternoon breeze crawled up and dwelt under my skin. The slow catch of signal caused the currently adored channel of mr. walt disney, to crumple and show millions of hyperactive pixels roving all over the four-sided box of fun... It gave me nothing but a headache.

I turned around to look for alternatives of blowing this breeze away. There was nothing aside from the rectangular fascade of the fridge, which, has always been lovely to look at even if it expresses nothing but the art of gaining carbs and fats.. and then I caught a glimpse of the lopsided mouse over the gray computer table. My eyes stretched from the mouse up to the yellow-covered box.. I realized it wasn't a great instrument for fun but, who knows... Once something pops up, you can never really say...

I pushed the biggest gray button found on the cpu and waited... The air coming out from the turbo fan caught my attention.. I realized that the naming was invalid. It isn't supposed to be a turbo fan, it doesn't even know what it is to be "turbo"... But, be thankful for simple things, at least the fan gave me this relief that I'm not actually situated in the depths of fiery hell.. at least I'm much more situated on the roofs of hell..so I should be thankful enough... It's a lot colder on the roof though than on the depths. Anyway, "toot!" the monitor tingled... then bang.. I'm on!

Alas! I ruled the house for 3 days!

My parents got this trip to Boracay for 3 days and I just can't go, due to some lame neccessities in Life, which I have to consider as the "foundations" of my future and of myself, as an individual...In short, I had to go to school... yea... definitely... a bummer. Anyway, at first it was like.."yeah! they'll be gone for days! No one would tell me what to do for 3 days!" (wtf!) but, oh yea. it was like that. I was the girl who worshipped the sound of "THREE DAYS".

When they left...everything was still good. I had no classes the next day. I was super relaxed coz no one woud dictate to me a list of chores and things to do for the day. I was a couch potato, who's only struggle was how to get my head in a more comfortable position while watching a movie, and believe it or not, I didn't even get to take a bath for the day! Yup! That's what I was while they were gone... a pig!

Yet, when night came. I had to totally put myself back and start with schoolwork, and thank God I finished it in no time. But when I got to bed, it surely wasn't easy. I would often hear my parent's voices in my head and think that they were on the other side of the room divider. I could not sleep comfortably. It was a night when I couldn't get myself sink into the deepest sleep that I wanted. A slight sound change of the aircon's thermostat would awaken me. I was a guard dog...A chicken who could only sleep in half... Oh well, you got me..I missed my parents that night.

Well. I admit, being independent and all that is really what I loved the most since high school, but everytime independence would sit on my palms, I could never stir my mind away from memory lane. I would always think of them, and what my normal day would have been with them around. There would also be this thought that erupts in my mind that what if something unwanted is about to happen. God, I still cannot bear the cruelties of life without them! I'm still learning the ABCs of Responsibility, the 123s of living..

How ironic this has been, but I know I have to face the demands of everything. I just hope that my parents get back home safe.

sucker!

Triple Sh#t!

I just played the guitar and sang infront of my classmates! And know what the TOTAL HUMILIATION part is???.... I lost focus and ended up with the wrongest chords ever! At that moment, I just wanted to *poof*.... and disappear!

Know what.. i promised myself not to play after that "Y*n" incident. I just don't want to remember! Like I said in my previous entry..I don't want to take a road trip, which will only give me false emotions and regrets in the end.. I HATE THAT! no more no less!

SO.. there.. the point is, I was a sucker. I broke my own promise, and at the same time I humiliated myself infront of the whole class!

Therfore now..I'm gonna make a challenge nalng for myself.. and the price would be...... solitude. Yes, peace and quiet within my soul and within my mind, and within my heart.

The challenge then would be: "Last Feb.21,2008, 7:45pm, would be the last day I would play the guitar and sing infront of a crowd.I shall NEVER play in a crowd again!"

=( =( =(

wanna road trip? who doesn't?

Everybody around me is....!in-love

They've been squealing! They've been blushing! They've always been in the state of idle and pleasant

contemplation! Oh I don't know. It seems like I'm the only one left,unin-love. But, hey! hold your tongue. I

ain't a desperada, a "sawi", or whatever thingamaword you call about someone who hasn't found the right one yet, or who never will. I mean, I'm not a left out, but whenever my girlfriends would come to a point of remembering their first love and heartache, there's nothing I could do but to rest my chin on my palms, flash them a grin, listen, and listen and listen. I've heard a lot of love stories from them that I could almost write a book. It's not that I can't relate either, I mean, I had my own experience but I don't make it a fuss in my head that I always take a tour on my past, reminisce the good 'ol sweetest days and in the end drop a tear like they do. I don't find it cheesy, I find it unthinkable. Yes, you got it right sport, I'd rather shed a tear for a test paper than on past false feelings. At least the test paper gives me instant, specific checks and exes on where I got wrong, so it becomes easy to learn.I don't have to reminisce and reminisce the whole week and think about where I had placed myself wrong, and where the other had placed himself wrong.

Disagree with me on that but I don't care. I'll just tell you if I got the point on your reactions, then maybe I'd change my mind.

Anyway, it's not that I don't want to fall...I'd love to! Like everyone of them, but I'd like to fall only once. I don't want to take a road trip on past loves...even if I'd be riding in a red ferrari race car.

sloppy firsts.

whoa! i'm new here!

and uhmm.. hello. this first entry aint gonna be a "fabuloso", "Extraordinaire!", "nice" than those of the entries that I will soon be posting... Apparently, I planned to be serious on this, literally serious in making each entry, but nah.. don't ya worry, I'm not that kind..I may, or I can't help but put some childish languages in my compositions.

Oh well. we are all different. Some can't help but humor others and some can't help but bore others, typically just like me. (quoting on the 'can't help but bore others'). Yea. I dunno. Everytime I express myself, it seems like everyone's trying soo hard to prevent themselves from yawning. I dunno why they even prevent it, they coud just yawn, it's fine with me! At least I'm given a hint that I'm a bore. but then..yea. watever! I'll just stop then..

'till the next entry! i plan to make it more "enlightening: than this.. gosh, i sucked. :p but the hell u care!.

Tip.SLEEPY!