there are certain reasons that my hypothalamus makes even without the understanding of my consciousness. I dunno but sometimes I want to set all the feelings free, and take time to renew the good feelings that I have taken for granted the whole, long time.. But, as I make these transformatory decisions, there would still be this unexplainable minute that would sneak right between my momentary bliss renewal, and grab it all without notifications... It just goes *poof* bliss gone,old feeling came again. I don't get it, I hate feeling the old feeling but when that freaking minute comes, I indulge myself into deep thinking, I indulge in a way that I have made it into a habit. Deep thinking, memory recall, pretending to be in the real situation, and rolling 10 times back and forth in bed with my cellphone held up high and locked to the particular message in my inbox, reading it 40 times. grrr its maddening!
It alarms me for the fact that its not me anymore. It seems like I'm the one who's running up and applying for slavery to the sort of unsure feeling.. it seems like I am the only one who is playing with myself. I'm the only one who has the feeling and I keep on inserting it to someone who has none for me..Yes it hurts but the fact that its going to be sad if I don't get over, then I must endure the pain so as like getting a knife cut, if no pain relievers are taken or nothing is put to ease the pain, its gonna be a long time for it to heal... Y'know, I don't care if i gain a scar..as long as its not painful to touch anymore..
well, I hope this agony heals off with time... thus I must do something about it...
I won't be the one running anymore..
but i'll still wait...
patiently.
